About a week ago I had a strong feeling that I really needed to write down my story with infertility, so I did that. But ever since then I have debated back and forth, back and forth about publishing it on here. I knew that I was supposed too, that someone out there really needed to hear it right now, but it is so close to my heart and something that I guard so dearly that I was reluctant to do it, hence the reason it took me a week. I hate feeling so vulnerable. So please take that into consideration as you read this and remember that it is something that is still fresh in my life. So without further ado:
Christmas of 2005 was one of the hardest times of my 26 years of life. Travis and I had just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and while it should have been a joyous occasion I was in the depths of despair. We had been trying to get pregnant pretty much since we had been married. We had been doing fertility treatments of various forms, including medicine that totaled over $150 a month and we were poor students at the time. I had prayed and prayed and prayed some more hoping, believing, doubting, yearning and having such a strong and indescribable desire to be a mother. As each month of those three years passed, the first month started with great hope and little disappointment but as time passed and each month came and went that began to shift to less hope and greater disappointment, followed by extreme sadness , lose of hope, lose of faith, and a loss of desire to live.
As December approached I had it in my mind that “this” was the month, this was when I was going to get pregnant. My spirit was lifted and I felt in my heart that the Holy Ghost was whispering to me that it would happen soon. I would become a mother. I was so hopeful, and excited. I had it all planned out in my mind, I would tell Travis I was pregnant as his Christmas gift. I would wrap box after box after box with the smallest being a note saying “you’re going to be a daddy!!” I was so excited! On our anniversary, just four days before Christmas, I found out I wasn’t pregnant. My heart felt like it had been ripped in half, and stomped on.
I sat in the bathtub that night and I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I didn’t understand, why God would not grant me this, my greatest desire. I felt that it was a good and righteous desire. I felt that I had tried to live a good and pure life, of course as everyone else, I wasn’t perfect, I had sinned, and on occasion made unrighteous decisions. Satan took hold of this and began burrowing into my heart. I began to question myself, “was it something I did?”, and “Was God punishing me?” “Did he even care?” These thoughts began to permeate everything, “was God even listening?”, “did he, a male, understand all that I was dealing with?”, “did he understand my desire to be a mother?”, “Was I to small and insignificant?”, “Did he even exist?” This last question is what took hold and wouldn’t let go. “If God didn’t exist, what was the purpose of life?”, “Why should I want to live a good life?”, “Why should I want to live at all?” At that point life was miserable, if there was no one to hold me accountable why not end it right then? All I wanted was for the pain, misery, disappointment, heart-ache, anger, shame, discouragement, guilt and despair to disappear; mentally, physically, and spiritually just stop existing. By the time the night was over I was exhausted, I felt numb, and I welcomed that.
Christmas came and went in a blur; New Year’s came and went in a blur. In January my period was late, but I thought nothing of it, that was common for my body. I had to pick up some of my expensive fertility medications, so Travis convinced me to pick up a pregnancy test before I bought the medicine. I brought it home, and guess what? I was pregnant! I was shocked! I didn’t believe it! I fell to my knees and I thanked God. At that moment the Spirit whispered to me “oh my dear daughter, ye of little faith, I love you and I have always been here for you”, He had tried to give me reassurance. He had tried to tell me that it would be soon, but I was acting like a two year old throwing a tantrum because it didn’t happen when I thought it should happen. I realized how selfish and ungrateful I had been, I realized that when I should have been turning to him, I was turning my back to him and giving him the cold shoulder. The one place I could have found true peace I wouldn’t accept.
I wish I could say the epiphany came without getting pregnant and without getting my way... it didn’t. But the important thing is that it did come! I have tried to turn to God since then. I have renewed my desire to know him and to rebuild my testimony again. That testimony has come back piece by piece, month by month. I now have a great love, peace, and knowledge that God loves us, cares for us, knows what’s best for us, and is there for us, each of us individually! He is real! As Christmas approaches this year my beautiful little girl is three years old, and we have been trying for another since she was born, once again having been trying for three years, once again Christmas is approaching. And while I have great hopes that it will be this month, a familiar sadness is creeping in, but the anger is gone. I have realized that it is okay to grieve; it is okay to be sad. I just need to remember to turn to the Savior, let him encompass me, and make sure it is his shoulder I cry on. He lives! He loves us! He wants what is best for us. He has a plan for us and it is up to us to accept it, be obedient to it, and be the best person that we can be.
I got up and made the dough for rolls, when I started to smell fingernail polish, I went in to see where this one:
was and she had painted the bottom part of the side table with BRIGHT pink fingernail polish. 
I can't get it off. In the meantime this thing:
had pulled my dough off of the counter and eaten half of it and slobbered all over the rest. So I made a new batch of dough and some mint candies (placing them farther back on the counter top) 
and then went and started the bath to get the fingernail polish out of Lana's hair. While I was doing that Daisy figured out that if she pulled the towel that the candies were on with her teeth that it dragged the bowl of mints over to her, I heard a loud CRASH and went in to see what happened. Daisy had successfully pulled down the mints (of which she had already eaten half) and a bag of powdered sugar, she looked like a ghost and continued to track powdered sugar footprints all over everything. I was getting ready to throw her outside, when Travis came home. 
puked these:
(and yes they were red) all over the floor, it was DISGUSTING and the smell was awful! Just as she did that the doorbell rang and it was the neighbor bringing over Christmas goodies
she asked if she could come in because she had never seen our house to which I wanted to reply !!!NO!!!! but after a feeble attempt to keep her outside she came in anyways. 
I am sure that we were quit the site. This one:
was in nothing but these:
(and fingernail polish all over that doesn't come out with water), daisy was white from the powdered sugar, there were paw prints all over EVERYTHING, floor, couch,you name it. The kitchen was a mess from my treats, there was puke on the floor, the house reeked, and Travis was busting up laughing, I on the other hand did not think that it was too funny. I wanted to put this:
and yes even this:
on the curb with one of these:
after that our Christmas was pretty good we went to Travis' parents house, had some yummy Christmas dinner,
played some games, visited with cousins, got some new Jammie's
and even after all of that Santa came ( he didn't even leave a lump of coal)! 
Malana loved everything she got and even said on Christmas morning "this is the best day ever!" thank you Phineas and Ferb. We even got to talk to these two:
on Skype. Unfortunately everyone in the family spent the rest of the weekend taking turns having this be their best friend:
The end.
The adults played the Newlywed game, the first round Bryan and Tonya won but the second game Travis and I won! 
original price: 9.99
original price: 9.99
original price: 79.99
original price: 12.99