About a week ago I had a strong feeling that I really needed to write down my story with infertility, so I did that. But ever since then I have debated back and forth, back and forth about publishing it on here. I knew that I was supposed too, that someone out there really needed to hear it right now, but it is so close to my heart and something that I guard so dearly that I was reluctant to do it, hence the reason it took me a week. I hate feeling so vulnerable. So please take that into consideration as you read this and remember that it is something that is still fresh in my life. So without further ado:
Christmas of 2005 was one of the hardest times of my 26 years of life. Travis and I had just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and while it should have been a joyous occasion I was in the depths of despair. We had been trying to get pregnant pretty much since we had been married. We had been doing fertility treatments of various forms, including medicine that totaled over $150 a month and we were poor students at the time. I had prayed and prayed and prayed some more hoping, believing, doubting, yearning and having such a strong and indescribable desire to be a mother. As each month of those three years passed, the first month started with great hope and little disappointment but as time passed and each month came and went that began to shift to less hope and greater disappointment, followed by extreme sadness , lose of hope, lose of faith, and a loss of desire to live.
As December approached I had it in my mind that “this” was the month, this was when I was going to get pregnant. My spirit was lifted and I felt in my heart that the Holy Ghost was whispering to me that it would happen soon. I would become a mother. I was so hopeful, and excited. I had it all planned out in my mind, I would tell Travis I was pregnant as his Christmas gift. I would wrap box after box after box with the smallest being a note saying “you’re going to be a daddy!!” I was so excited! On our anniversary, just four days before Christmas, I found out I wasn’t pregnant. My heart felt like it had been ripped in half, and stomped on.
I sat in the bathtub that night and I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I didn’t understand, why God would not grant me this, my greatest desire. I felt that it was a good and righteous desire. I felt that I had tried to live a good and pure life, of course as everyone else, I wasn’t perfect, I had sinned, and on occasion made unrighteous decisions. Satan took hold of this and began burrowing into my heart. I began to question myself, “was it something I did?”, and “Was God punishing me?” “Did he even care?” These thoughts began to permeate everything, “was God even listening?”, “did he, a male, understand all that I was dealing with?”, “did he understand my desire to be a mother?”, “Was I to small and insignificant?”, “Did he even exist?” This last question is what took hold and wouldn’t let go. “If God didn’t exist, what was the purpose of life?”, “Why should I want to live a good life?”, “Why should I want to live at all?” At that point life was miserable, if there was no one to hold me accountable why not end it right then? All I wanted was for the pain, misery, disappointment, heart-ache, anger, shame, discouragement, guilt and despair to disappear; mentally, physically, and spiritually just stop existing. By the time the night was over I was exhausted, I felt numb, and I welcomed that.
Christmas came and went in a blur; New Year’s came and went in a blur. In January my period was late, but I thought nothing of it, that was common for my body. I had to pick up some of my expensive fertility medications, so Travis convinced me to pick up a pregnancy test before I bought the medicine. I brought it home, and guess what? I was pregnant! I was shocked! I didn’t believe it! I fell to my knees and I thanked God. At that moment the Spirit whispered to me “oh my dear daughter, ye of little faith, I love you and I have always been here for you”, He had tried to give me reassurance. He had tried to tell me that it would be soon, but I was acting like a two year old throwing a tantrum because it didn’t happen when I thought it should happen. I realized how selfish and ungrateful I had been, I realized that when I should have been turning to him, I was turning my back to him and giving him the cold shoulder. The one place I could have found true peace I wouldn’t accept.
I wish I could say the epiphany came without getting pregnant and without getting my way... it didn’t. But the important thing is that it did come! I have tried to turn to God since then. I have renewed my desire to know him and to rebuild my testimony again. That testimony has come back piece by piece, month by month. I now have a great love, peace, and knowledge that God loves us, cares for us, knows what’s best for us, and is there for us, each of us individually! He is real! As Christmas approaches this year my beautiful little girl is three years old, and we have been trying for another since she was born, once again having been trying for three years, once again Christmas is approaching. And while I have great hopes that it will be this month, a familiar sadness is creeping in, but the anger is gone. I have realized that it is okay to grieve; it is okay to be sad. I just need to remember to turn to the Savior, let him encompass me, and make sure it is his shoulder I cry on. He lives! He loves us! He wants what is best for us. He has a plan for us and it is up to us to accept it, be obedient to it, and be the best person that we can be.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
awesome deal!
So I have to brag about the good deals that I got this year, and all before black Friday too! Toys R Us was my best friend this year. They had a sale a few weeks ago on Hasbro games when you spent $25 in Hasbro games you got a $10 gift card, then one Saturday they had all of their games on sale and Hasbro had mail- in rebates on certain games so I got :
original price: 34.99
original price: 12.99
original price: 11.99
original price: 9.99
original price: 9.99
original price: 79.99
original price: 34.99sale price: 10.99
total:10.99
original price: 12.99sale price: 3.99
plus: $2 mail-in-rebate
total: $1.99
original price: 11.99sale price: 3.99
total: 3.99
original price: 9.99sale price: 3.99
plus: $2 mail-in-rebate
total: 1.99
original price: 9.99sale price: 3.99
plus: $2 mail-in-rebate
total: 1.99
total for first trip: $27
minus mail-in-rebates: $6
total: $21
plus received $10 gift card
second trip to Toys R Us:
original price: 79.99sale price: 59.99
plus coupon for extra %25 off
plus $10 gift card from games
total: $35
original price: $29.00
sale price: 25
total: $25
bike plus pet shops total: $60
minus $10 off a $50 purchase
total: $50
plus: $10 gift card for spending $40
third trip:
original price: 12.99
total: 9.99
original price: 12.99 sale price: 9.99
total:9.99
total: 9.99
minus $10 gift card from bike and petshop purchase
total: free!
Grand total if paid original price for everything: $202!
what I paid after all discounts: $61!!!!!!!
How awesome is that!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
thanks for inspiring me to be better!
My friend Lisa did a post like this on her blog and I thought that it was a good idea, because I think that anything that makes others feel good about themselves is a good idea. I am going to post something that I enjoy about each of you that are on my blog list.
Nancy- I have always admired the way in which you have taught your children to be respectful, reverent and responsible. I remember visiting your house once and going to church with you and being impressed with how quietly all of the kids sat and listened. You and Eric have been a silent example to me and helped me to know the direction that I wanted my life to take.
Tracy- Your drive for life is something that I wish that I had more of. You are definitely a go-getter and I am always amazed at your ability to make things happen that you want to have happen. I also admire the way in which you do your best to make your dollar stretch for you and your family, and find the best deals.
Tyler - What can I say you make me smile. I can always count on a good laugh when you are around. And even though you don't like to show it I admire your soft heart, and the tender way in which you treat mom. You are a very talented and creative writer and have a wit about you that no one can beat.
Troy - I love your sensitive heart and the way in which you are always willing to help other people. Your empathy for other often shines through and it made an impression on me growing up together.
Lisa - The quiet way in which you made friends and included everyone in your circle of friends, made an impression on me all through High School and especially when we were in seminary council together. I appreciated the way that you knew when to take things seriously but you could laugh at yourself and do silly things to have fun. ( like write things with sidewalk chalk on peoples drive ways :0))
Melissa - I wish that we could have lived closer and got to know each other better. You are hilarious! I love your storys and I always get excited when I see that you have posted something because I know that it will give me a pick-me-up for the day. I love the way that you can laugh at the silly things in life.
Megan - What can I say, who could ask for a better niece! You are such a shining example to all of your cousins, and well heck to me too. You have such a beautiful countenance around you and you can tell just by looking at you that you have a deep compassion for those around you. I also love the way that you can make your own fun and laugh at yourself.
Heather T. - Oh Heather, how I miss you! You were always so much fun!!! For some reason our silliness just clicked (maybe sometimes in ways our moms didn't appreciate :))and I just miss the fun that we could have together. Your drive is something that I have always admired, you are EXTREMELY talented in anything that you do, because of your go-get-em attitude and innate creativity.
Mom and Dad - you are the best parents in the whole world!!!! Nobody can argue that point. Mom -I love your sense of humor, you crack me up. Hardly anyone ever sees it but your wit mixed with your intelligence makes for some serious entertainment. I love your creativity and your willingness to put 110% into anything and everything that you do.
Dad - the rock in the family, I love the stalwart way in which you lead our family in righteousness and your ability to see whats right and stand up for your morals without a second thought, as well as your willingness to do the silly things like father Abraham.
Whitney - you just have such a beautiful way about you that exudes sunshine. Your constant smile can light up a room, and your willingness to be friends with everyone is always so admirable. You are the first to see good in other people and your bright outlook on life is refreshing.
Erin - Like I said with Melissa, I wish that we could have lived closer and got to know each other better as cousins. Clearly you have a great drive to finish law school with two kids at home and you are very intelligent. I was always impressed with the way that you went out of your way to visit and see grandma. Anytime I came to visit there was always something at grandmas house that you had made and brought to her for a holiday or something. She was very proud of you and loved your little Will. I think you were a great strength to her in those last years.
Alisa - I am glad that I can have a sister-in-law who lives just down the road, and Malana loves having Alex so close too. I admire your ability to keep your house immaculate with four kiddos around and the way you always look beautiful with hair and make-up done. You are another person who has a drive to get things done and I admire that.
Chelsea - Thanks for always being there, I know that our relationship has had it's ups and downs but I knew that you were the friend that was always going to be there. I look up to your ability to make friends with anyone, you are definitely not shy and I wish that I had a little bit of that in me. I admire the way that you have no fear of others judgments and stand your ground on things in which you believe strongly in. Thanks for keeping us girls from high school in touch with each other, you are a good and loyal friend.
Desiree- Travis always appreciated Chads friendship and knowing that Chad was one person that he could always talk to. You have always made me feel so comfortable around you, I never had to worry about what you were thinking of me, you had a way of putting my anxiety at ease, thank you. And I have a feeling you probably have a way of doing that with everyone.
Heather H. - You're creativeness and willingness to go above and beyond for your family has always impressed me. You are someone that I look at and think, I wish I had it put together as well as you do. I love the way that you are supportive of Jarad and his endeavors. You and Jarad are awesome parents and Travis and I look at you as an example of how we want to raise our kids.
Rachel - Thanks for being an awesome roommate! I had so much fun with you, and your crazy ways. It has been so fun to watch you develop into such an awesome, compassionate, and loving wife and mother. Your love for Anthony shines through in everything that you do, and it is so refreshing to see in a world full of divorce and women putting their husbands down. You have a zest for life that is indescribable, a bit of that Cuban spice and Mormon values makes for a killer combination. Thanks for being a great example.
Maren - You are such a pretty young lady. You have an amazing talent for the arts, never give that up. Your creativity always amazes and inspires me to do more. You can take anything and make it into something amazing! I also appreciate your willingness to get down and play with the little kids, and that your not "too cool" for them, and for being silly.
Lacey- you are another person that has always had a go-get-em attitude and I admire that drive. You are a great mommy to little Lexi. You have a loyalty to your family that is great, and you have a very kind heart to those you love. I appreciate your willingness to be my friend.
Nancy- I have always admired the way in which you have taught your children to be respectful, reverent and responsible. I remember visiting your house once and going to church with you and being impressed with how quietly all of the kids sat and listened. You and Eric have been a silent example to me and helped me to know the direction that I wanted my life to take.
Tracy- Your drive for life is something that I wish that I had more of. You are definitely a go-getter and I am always amazed at your ability to make things happen that you want to have happen. I also admire the way in which you do your best to make your dollar stretch for you and your family, and find the best deals.
Tyler - What can I say you make me smile. I can always count on a good laugh when you are around. And even though you don't like to show it I admire your soft heart, and the tender way in which you treat mom. You are a very talented and creative writer and have a wit about you that no one can beat.
Troy - I love your sensitive heart and the way in which you are always willing to help other people. Your empathy for other often shines through and it made an impression on me growing up together.
Lisa - The quiet way in which you made friends and included everyone in your circle of friends, made an impression on me all through High School and especially when we were in seminary council together. I appreciated the way that you knew when to take things seriously but you could laugh at yourself and do silly things to have fun. ( like write things with sidewalk chalk on peoples drive ways :0))
Melissa - I wish that we could have lived closer and got to know each other better. You are hilarious! I love your storys and I always get excited when I see that you have posted something because I know that it will give me a pick-me-up for the day. I love the way that you can laugh at the silly things in life.
Megan - What can I say, who could ask for a better niece! You are such a shining example to all of your cousins, and well heck to me too. You have such a beautiful countenance around you and you can tell just by looking at you that you have a deep compassion for those around you. I also love the way that you can make your own fun and laugh at yourself.
Heather T. - Oh Heather, how I miss you! You were always so much fun!!! For some reason our silliness just clicked (maybe sometimes in ways our moms didn't appreciate :))and I just miss the fun that we could have together. Your drive is something that I have always admired, you are EXTREMELY talented in anything that you do, because of your go-get-em attitude and innate creativity.
Mom and Dad - you are the best parents in the whole world!!!! Nobody can argue that point. Mom -I love your sense of humor, you crack me up. Hardly anyone ever sees it but your wit mixed with your intelligence makes for some serious entertainment. I love your creativity and your willingness to put 110% into anything and everything that you do.
Dad - the rock in the family, I love the stalwart way in which you lead our family in righteousness and your ability to see whats right and stand up for your morals without a second thought, as well as your willingness to do the silly things like father Abraham.
Whitney - you just have such a beautiful way about you that exudes sunshine. Your constant smile can light up a room, and your willingness to be friends with everyone is always so admirable. You are the first to see good in other people and your bright outlook on life is refreshing.
Erin - Like I said with Melissa, I wish that we could have lived closer and got to know each other better as cousins. Clearly you have a great drive to finish law school with two kids at home and you are very intelligent. I was always impressed with the way that you went out of your way to visit and see grandma. Anytime I came to visit there was always something at grandmas house that you had made and brought to her for a holiday or something. She was very proud of you and loved your little Will. I think you were a great strength to her in those last years.
Alisa - I am glad that I can have a sister-in-law who lives just down the road, and Malana loves having Alex so close too. I admire your ability to keep your house immaculate with four kiddos around and the way you always look beautiful with hair and make-up done. You are another person who has a drive to get things done and I admire that.
Chelsea - Thanks for always being there, I know that our relationship has had it's ups and downs but I knew that you were the friend that was always going to be there. I look up to your ability to make friends with anyone, you are definitely not shy and I wish that I had a little bit of that in me. I admire the way that you have no fear of others judgments and stand your ground on things in which you believe strongly in. Thanks for keeping us girls from high school in touch with each other, you are a good and loyal friend.
Desiree- Travis always appreciated Chads friendship and knowing that Chad was one person that he could always talk to. You have always made me feel so comfortable around you, I never had to worry about what you were thinking of me, you had a way of putting my anxiety at ease, thank you. And I have a feeling you probably have a way of doing that with everyone.
Heather H. - You're creativeness and willingness to go above and beyond for your family has always impressed me. You are someone that I look at and think, I wish I had it put together as well as you do. I love the way that you are supportive of Jarad and his endeavors. You and Jarad are awesome parents and Travis and I look at you as an example of how we want to raise our kids.
Rachel - Thanks for being an awesome roommate! I had so much fun with you, and your crazy ways. It has been so fun to watch you develop into such an awesome, compassionate, and loving wife and mother. Your love for Anthony shines through in everything that you do, and it is so refreshing to see in a world full of divorce and women putting their husbands down. You have a zest for life that is indescribable, a bit of that Cuban spice and Mormon values makes for a killer combination. Thanks for being a great example.
Maren - You are such a pretty young lady. You have an amazing talent for the arts, never give that up. Your creativity always amazes and inspires me to do more. You can take anything and make it into something amazing! I also appreciate your willingness to get down and play with the little kids, and that your not "too cool" for them, and for being silly.
Lacey- you are another person that has always had a go-get-em attitude and I admire that drive. You are a great mommy to little Lexi. You have a loyalty to your family that is great, and you have a very kind heart to those you love. I appreciate your willingness to be my friend.
Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!
We had a good Halloween week, it started out with a preschool costume party. (there is about 8 of us in our ward with kids all the same age so we put together a co-operative preschool where every mom takes a turn hosting).
I guess that she must have thought that painting her face for Halloween was just too fun because this is how I found her when she was being a little too quiet Monday morning, yes that is MY toothbrush and my lipstick. Her face is still slightly pink.
Then we carved pumpkins from our own garden, we didn't carve the big ones because they were starting to rot. Malana seemed to enjoy the pumpkin carving although she didn't like touching the goop. We made shapes on a piece of paper and let her choose which shape she wanted for the eyes, nose etc... It worked out well.
On Halloween we went to Craigo's for the pizza buffet with Travis' family. Then we headed to the trunk-or-treat that our ward was putting on at the church, just across from our house. They served chili and scones. It was really nice but I have to admit I am not a huge fan of trunk-or-treating, especially since we live in such a small town and it would not be a big deal to go door to door.
Have you guessed what she was yet? Stinkerbell! I thought I was pretty clever but most people just thought that she was a butterfly. I have made her costume every year but this is the first time that I have made it without the help of my mom. I thought that it turned out pretty good, just don't look too close. In Malana fashion the first thing she did was sort and line up her candy according to type of packaging, silly girl, maybe she will grow up to be a professional organizer.
I guess that she must have thought that painting her face for Halloween was just too fun because this is how I found her when she was being a little too quiet Monday morning, yes that is MY toothbrush and my lipstick. Her face is still slightly pink.
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