a sad day in Infertility

So, on Saturday I cleaned and put away Malana's high chair, and I must admit it was a sad day. Three years ago I hoped that I wouldn't have to put any of my baby things away, that after I had Malana the babies would just keep on coming. She is getting BIG. I cannot believe that she is almost three, and at times my heart almost breaks thinking that she will be at least four or older before we have another if we do ever have another one. Sometimes I have to stop and think, maybe this is the only time that I will get to experience potty training, or maybe this is the only time that I will have a little girl who loves dressing up, and I try to remember to savor every moment because it may be the only time that I experience it. This is a recent feeling for me because I really did think that we wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant again. I can't even explain to you the pain, heartache, and uncertainty that comes along with infertility. Each and every month you get your hopes up (sometimes secretly because you don't want anyone to know how disappointed you are), and each and every month your hopes are dashed. Your mind can't help but wonder, why God? Am I not good enough? Did I not pray hard enough? What am I doing wrong? Now don't get me wrong I came to grips with this when we were trying to have Malana and I have a firm testimony that God answers prayers and that he is mindful of my circumstance but that sometimes life just has to happen, and he can't or won't interfere, but doubt still creeps in every once in a while. Now I say this because I am SO tired of hearing "well it will happen in God's time"or "I am sure that God has something in mind for you", NOT HELPFUL. nor is "well so and so tried this" or "so and so tried that", I am not them, NOT HELPFUL. (although I do enjoy hearing others success' just don't suggest that the same thing will work for me) or especially "well maybe if you just exercise or ate better or did this or did that" NOT HELPFUL, think about what you are saying, you are saying that infertility is my fault because I am doing something wrong or not doing something right. I know that you are just trying to help solve the problem, but trust me I have already thought of all of these things, I don't need you to fix my problem I just want a shoulder to cry on. I don't write these things to scare you off or to make it so that you just don't say anything, I tell you this so that you will be mindful when others are experiencing the same thing and I do appreciate when people are curious and ask how things are going. WHEW, now that being said, for those who are curious, I went off of the fertility medication about three months ago, because 1.) I was tired of the emotional roller coaster that comes along with the medications 2.) Travis was down to twenty hours at work there for a while and we were looking for things to cut and the $30-a-month medication was an easy thing to cut. So I am going to call the doctor today ( I have been dreading this!) to start up on the medication again...blech (since I have been off of it I have lost ten pounds and I am not looking forward to gaining it back!), I have also started to explore adoption a little more seriously (it is not nearly as expensive as I thought, which is why we haven't pursued it before, but I found out that through LDS social services it is only ten percent of your yearly income), but neither Travis nor I feel like adoption is the right option at this point, but maybe in the future. So that is where we stand. Thanks to everyone who offers support and for your prayers, I really do appreciate it. I think that this may have come off a little harsh, so please know that I DO appreciate your concerns and your want to help, and support us, it would hurt worse than all of the above mentioned things if people just didn't say anything or didn't care at all. And that is where we stand, so here we go again.